Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Love & God.......

Why does life have to be so complicated? Why do people have to hurt? Love, what is it? What does it mean? Why can it be takin and givin so freely. What makes people change in ways that hurt me so badly? Why does temptation cause love to perish? Is it satan? I don't know. I have temptations I don't stop in my life. Smoking, just not truly being a child of god all of my life. I have temptations I can control because of the person I truly am. I guess it's your make up, your character. I have been wounded more deeply than I can ever remember. The worst part is if I deserved it I could deal with it so easily and move on. I can't deal with this and moving feels on like it will kill me. Im 38 yrs old, my lifelong dream is to have a family with someone who truly loves me, that's all I ever wanted. It's simple, but has been impossible to achieve in my lifetime. Yes I have a beautiful son, but I haven't had a family since my father passed when I was 14. Yes I've been married but I've never had a wife, a ring, a wedding. I've made it through life pretty well because of my abilty to block out what's really missing in my life ....Love & God. When u have what you think is love and it's gone without explaination it only highlights the dreams never achieved in my life. I feel so unfulfilled, yet is seems so simple. Love and God. That's all one ever needs to be truly happy and fulfilled.

The beauty of all this is the unconditional love of 3 people in my life Jesus, my Dad and my son. Without them I would perish. I have prayed about this and I have been given direction. My direction is to fight with all my might for someone very dear to me. No matter how bad I want to give up on them and move on. In the same prayer I realized that I must rededicate my life to christ if not just for me but for my son. I feel like today is a turning point of my life . I have two paths to chose from, the on on the right..God's path or the left ...the path of self destruction. I pray Iwill make the right choice. The 1st test will be Jan 1st when Taylor leaves and I will truly be here alone. I need to remember that God will always be with me. Oh this christmas is really beginning to suck. The worst part is I thought it would be the best one ever. Life is cruel sometimes. Least nobody has died. lol

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